


If this love is pain, then honey let's love tonight

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, Kinda, M/M, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 23:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11679180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: He says: -You said,- stops, jaw clenched, -You promised you wouldn’t hurt him.





	If this love is pain, then honey let's love tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo!  
> So. Yesterday's episode basically broke me and now I'm just rewatching the Malec scenes and crying, so. I can't really be held responsible for this angst.   
> Please, come cry with me on [Tumblr](https://sometimesambroswrites.tumblr.com/), let me know what you think if you feel like it, and come prompt me stuff!  
> Title is from Let's Hurt Tonight by OneRepublic  
> As usual, English isn't my first language, so feel free to correct any mistakes ;)

Furiously knocking on the door and you almost,  _almost_ don’t answer, but anything could happen these days, so you drag yourself to the door, the weariness of spending hours at the Seelie Court making your limbs heavy, and one thing you definitely didn’t expect is Jace furiously staring at you from the door.

He says: -You said,- stops, jaw clenched, -You  _promised_ you wouldn’t hurt him.

You let your arm fall, your palm brushing the door, and you take a step back, turn, your back to him, and that probably isn’t the best idea but you’re too tired to think and he follows you, slamming the door behind him.

- _Don’t_ ,- he says, -don’t ignore me  _Magnus,_ \- and your name suddenly sounds like an insult between his lips and you feel so incredibly tired, you haven’t really slept in a couple of days and you’ve just told the Seelie Queen to go fuck herself and your magic is loud under your skin and you just  _let go_ , magic snapping in your hands, leaving your eyes golden and glowing as something in your living room  _explodes._

-You think it didn’t hurt me too?- you say, venom dripping from your words, and you can see how Jace quickly masks his surprise with the stubbornness that’s clear in the set of his jaw, -You think I wanted this to happen? You think I wanted to choose between the person I love and my people?

You look at him and you don’t care if you look destroyed and exhausted, you don’t care if you look weak, you’re so,  _so_ tired and you want Alec’s arms.

You hadn’t allowed yourself to think that yet.

It leaves you a bit emptier.

-I wanted to choose him,- you whisper, and it’s the first time you admit it out loud and it’s terrifying, -I wanted to choose him instead of my people. I didn’t care. I wanted him to stop being sad.

Jace looks at you with something similar to understanding, his expression open in a way that is simply  _Jace_ , regret softening the creases in his forehead.

-I can’t choose.

And it’s there, you’re there, all of you. You can’t choose. Because you want to choose him.

-Valentine taught me that to love is to destroy, and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed,- Jace says, quiet, his eyes open and honest, -and I don’t think he’s wrong,- he adds, and you think it’s probably the first time he’s ever said it out loud, -I think love destroys us and I think it can be the most selfish excuse for our behaviours, but I think – I also think love is the only thing that can put us back together and it can keep us right. If we let it.

Something quiet settles in your chest.

There’s a tear running down your cheek.

*

He looks sad.

He looks as sad as you feel.

He can’t see you, he’s busy writing something down, dark hair falling in his eyes.

You knock on the door, gently, and you feel alive when he looks at you.

He looks tired.

He says: -Magnus,- and his voice breaks, he clears his throat and straightens his back, -Something I can do for you?

You take a step forward. And then another. -I was hoping you would listen,- you say. You want to say  _I’ve missed you._

There’s something hesitant and hurt in his eyes, like he’s holding himself back and he doesn’t want to let go: -Magnus,  _please_.

(That  _please_ breaks your heart completely, it sounds like a  _please, I can’t do it again. Please, please don’t toy with me_.)

-I’m sorry,- you say, and you’re standing so close to him you could reach out and take his hands, and you think this time you wouldn’t let go, -I’m sorry that I hurt you. I promised I wouldn’t.

He swallows: -It’s – It’s fine.

-It’s really not,- you whisper, kneeling next to his chair; he’s ridiculously tall, you have to put your weight on your toes, -I shouldn’t have walked away like that,- and he tries to look away but you press your palm against his cheek and everything stops,  _please, wait_ , -I  _shouldn’t have_. I was scared and I hurt you,- his eyes are bright, -And I’m so sorry, Alexander.

He looks at you like he’s searching for something, and then he says: -Can you kiss me?-, the question feather-light between you, and your fingers are in his hair and brushing his skin and your lips are pressed against his, and you  _breathe_ , you breathe like you’ve been underwater, every piece and every fragment knitting back together and you’ll just learn. It’s okay. You’ll learn.


End file.
